I thought I was joking when I said I was so cool for being oblivious to the Super Bowl. But last night after dinner and a dance performace, quietly walking through the streetes of Manhattan and fearing for my safety in light of hundreds of screaming, drunken brutes, the joke became real. I do think I’m cool for being totally unaware of this moronic celebration of big men, big crowds, big bowls of dip, big commercials, and little brains.

I’m writing this for anyone who thinks the whole thing is retarded, so that you know you’re not alone.